The Desert

(A poem dedicated to Mohamed Bahi)

“If the heart is not daring enough
To meet a challenge, the forearm is powerless”

Al Mutanabbi

I	Then, all at once, I felt weary. I asked him “Where shall we find a shade in this ocean of sound?” There's no where except for reflection and loneliness. No where. We marched amidst thorny shrubs. The rocks were rusty. The woodland. Remnants of salt. The riverbeds were shallow. The sand dunes challenging. Whence comes this blinding glow? From this jasper or flint? I was scared by its silence. I saw lips breaking and oozing blood, and the water skins empty. And I was amazed all over. Those were dunes or whale backs? Dunes or nude women? I do not like the miserliness in your eyes while you have such a shining soul.
II	He warned me of the sand, of the face of the sand, of its protuberance. I had to pay heed where I stepped for the rest of my walk. When I trusted a step the wind undermined the sand beneath my feet. We were marching forward and I said. We're surrendering gradually! This distant desolate void is breathtaking, this entire mirage is impalpable, and the earth gloomy. Day and night we marched, but the distance kept the same. We searched for oases but found only dry swamps.
III	We wreathed some fragrant grass around our heads. We lit a bonfire and danced in the moonlight. Companionship united us. We needed the vigilance of watchmen. We were in dire need for rifles so that the desert surprise us not unarmed. With sleeping eyes I stared at the horizon: Will they come this way, or that, or yonder? As if we fought to survive.
IV	Flocks. The sun as a warrior. Wolves. The howling of hyenas. Jackals. Replites. Full war uniforms will be useless, so will be the manes of lions on heads, the long, curbed swords, the armours, the dust that screens physical traits, and the flags grown so dirty. Among us were lords in their castles. Among us were slaves in mud-and-thatch chambers. And each of us was intent on preserving his own fame as a warrior. Then our camels dispersed and we were exhausted. My companions kept nearby all the time but were all the while strangers. I walk among them without letting go of my doubts. I think of walking on, but the thought of leaving persists.
V	I said to him: let me out of shyness abstain a little from speech. I talked too much. “Never mind,” he reassured me. “Carry a handful of sand with you. Put it in your pocket to feel it whenever maps become too narrow, or you lose your direction”. We sighed in unison. We preferred silence when we understood. We turned aside, and hid our tears so that the unworthy ones share not in our brokenness. We amused ourselves tracking the camel footprints. He would say that watching the camel dung was necessary to find out where the assaulting camels had grazed. And how amazed were we! Tribes shared the same blood, yet some were lacking in honor. They were bound by alliance, yet raided one another. One would give you a flower with the right hand, and cull your star with the left. You might in your solitude find fellowship in grass, but in humans none. I said to him: let us out of shyness abstain a little from speech He consented: speech is an abyss
VI	How we marched in haste. How we slowed down. Yet, we did not arrive. How fear led our steps. We were thirsty, but no well was in sight. We were hungry but ran out of food. How we threw sand into the air so that those who did not trust us could do so. But nobody trusted us. How we explored the land along mountain-foot and valley but did not see anything. How we hoped. How we despaired. How.
VII	How we awoke with the first light and appreciated the warmth of beds! How we carried our rifles on our shoulders but the rifles were not loaded! How we shot but killed neither bird nor game! How we filled our water skins with water but they leaked as we moved foward! How many brothers we had, but don't remember talking to any of them! How much silence was around and how much void, yet our ideas weren't clear!
VIII	Thus as we were not used to signs of brevity. We did not understand the man who drove the camels. He led the camels according to their ambling pace. Singing to us and to the road. But each entertained himself as he pleased. We feared not this itinerary. We feared such an itinerary in such circumstances. He taught me as well. No. It is not just a wilderness of sand. I recognised the desert. It is all these stretches of loneliness inside of me. I am a desert. I am now a desert within a desert
IX	Do not lose your self-control. Look after your heart. Better turn your intransigence into food for your soul. And with all these wounds. Stare deep into this sand so that its image does not dissipate inside you. You have a handful of ready hope. Yet, your despair is beautiful. All this light is yours. But the sun sets in late afternoons. How I wanted to keep pace with you, but I was misled by the hours. We contented ourselves with flashes, you and I- And with hand gestures. As if we were two beings inside an elegy Or As if I remained alone remembering you when we both die.
X	We were together. He would recite ancient poetry in the quietude of night paths. His accent would make flutes play inside of me. Overwhelmed was I by the gleaming verses of Al Mutanabi. As he sang I felt like someone dissipating. As he sang I felt as if I had wings on the verge of an abyss. How can I avoid his embrace? O. I ignite the first verse of a poem and his memory gushes forth. I read and he reads. I remind him and he reminds me. And joy, love, poetry, travelling, night-time, the wilderness, the spear, paper, and the pen. It was as if we forgot the last time we slept with our wives. As if we turned our backs to the sea and were overwhelmed by the mainland. I put my hand into his. And as if I held a dry rose The petals dispersed … and we were lost.
XI	And when we came back to each other, you offered yourself an Adha-like sacrifice – covered with ornaments, henna, and sugar. And as the thirst of remote lands united us- You put you hand on the earth bolt… all of a sudden. And quit. Asila, August 2000 Translated by Norddine Zouitni