If I Were a Bond Girl

If I were a Bond Girl
I'd be Thunderball beautiful
Have a body like a smart bomb
Be Jill St. John, Britt Eckland and Barbara Bach
All rolled into one

If I were a Bond Girl
I'd be a geologist, a professor of Danish at Oxford
A fully trained astronaut working for the CIA
Run my own flying circus, be a Japanese shell diver, an expert pickpocket
Or simply have a code name of XXX
 
If I were a Bond Girl
I'd be Ursula Andres emerging from the sea in a bikini
Have a heavily guarded island filled with women
Be able to make love in scuba gear, while orbiting the Earth
Or in a remote location covered in diamonds

Last week I went to visit a psychic
Asked if I'd ever been a Bond Girl in a past life
Or had the chance of being one in the future
The psychic said: "Gimme my fifty bucks before I answer your question" After I handed over the cash
All she said was: "Fat Chance"
But if I were a Bond Girl
I'd know judo, karate
Be able to crush victims to death with my thighs
Wield a crossbow, be a KGB assassin
Or decide to not live and die by the gun
But to exact my revenge in bed instead

If I were a Bond Girl
I'd have the innate ability
To easily exchange the fatal nerve gas Delta 9
For a harmless sleep agent
Or go from battling villains aboard a space station
To decommissioning a nuclear weapons facility in Kazakhstan
Without breaking a sweat

And while there was a time in my life
When I thought that because Bond Girls
Were drop-dead gorgeous
Especially when dressed in hardly anything at all
That that qualified them as one-dimensional bimbos
Now I've come to realize
That while that may have been true in some early Bond films
It was only because those girls, those amazing Bond Girls
Were being held hostage by script writers so limited in scope

If I were a Bond Girl
I'd be a helicopter pilot, a Russian computer programmer
I'd explore Egyptian ruins, jet set to Venice, Italy
Rio and the Bahamas

If I were a Bond Girl
I'd be headstrong and resourceful
Athletic and intelligent
I'd be a complex villain or adventurous spirit
With a name like Dr. Molly Warmflash, Pussy Galore
Kissy Suzuki or Honey Rider

And though there may be times
When I'd be easily seduced by a
Bottle of chilled Bollinger and a rose
I'd still kick ass before the end credits rolled

If I were a Bond Girl
The best thing of all would be
That when things got rough
I mean really rough
I'd somehow manage to steal a quick time out
For a few relaxing minutes in a hot tub

It's gonna happen
I don't care what anyone says
I'm gonna be Grace Jones, Halle Berry and Money Penny
All rolled into one
What was I thinking anyway?
Bond Girls don't go to psychics